3021 How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 09:36:17 +0800
From: Lily Cheng <cll@HSINYIEH.COM.HK>
Subject: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
I'm learning argentine tangowith my boyfriend, we learn it together and enjoyed it very much, but when we start to go dancing in social events =
and he honestly told me that he had some special feeling with a girl when he danced with her. I have had the same feeling of nearly falling =
in love with a guy cos the dance we danced was so good, i understand this feeling. But i still feel so uncomfortable thereafter whenever i =
see him with the other girl. And i feel very upset that the one he's having so much passion when dancing is not me but someone else, same for =
myself, i can't have the same passion with him as with other guy.
I understand it's somehow becos of imagination. Is this normal?
Is there anyone having the same feeling who can share with me how you deal with such jealousy?
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 2004 22:04:24 -0500
From: Michael <tangomaniac@CAVTEL.NET>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
Lily:
Remember your boyfriend is going home with you-- and NOT with any woman he had a special feeling. Perhaps the other woman is more relaxed than =
you and the chemistry is better. You are at the point of moving to tango. Eventually, you and your boyfriend, when you gain confidence, =
will get to the point of experiencing tango.
I understand the jealousy part. I danced in New York. The sweat was coming down our faces like rain on a hot, steamy, summer day. She told =
her husband about it. He got very angry and said to her "Why can't you dance that way with me???!!!"
Michael
Washington, DC
----- Original Message -----
From: Lily Cheng
To: TANGO-L@MITVMA.MIT.EDU
Sent: Wednesday, December 08, 2004 8:36 PM
Subject: [TANGO-L] How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
I'm learning argentine tango with my boyfriend, we learn it together and enjoyed it very much, but when we start to go dancing in social =
events and he honestly told me that he had some special feeling with a girl when he danced with her. I have had the same feeling of nearly =
falling in love with a guy cos the dance we danced was so good, i understand this feeling. But i still feel so uncomfortable thereafter =
whenever i see him with the other girl. And i feel very upset that the one he's having so much passion when dancing is not me but someone else, =
same for myself, i can't have the same passion with him as with other guy.
I understand it's somehow becos of imagination. Is this normal?
Is there anyone having the same feeling who can share with me how you deal with such jealousy?
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 2004 20:42:28 -0800
From: Tango Club at Yale <yaletangoclub@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
Hi Lily,
It's a very common problem! Somebody with a lot of experience once told me to ask myself : "would I get so hot and bothered if this guy was a lousy dancer?" Well, now that you think of it, NO: where would the magic be if he was really bad!
I refer to the problem as the "tango crush" (it's also known as the beginners' crush), and I like it a lot because it keeps the girls coming, and where there's girls you'll find guys, and so we keep dancing and having a ball.
For you personally, enjoy it and don't take it too seriously. It will go away and you'll be just fine.
About your boyfriend getting a crush, well I think he might have been so considerate as refrain from confessing it to you. Not that honesty isn't a good thing, on the contrary, but sometimes it causes anguish out of proportion to the problem. Now you're upset and next thing you know you'll have a tango fight (another well-known phenomenon). Don't make a big deal out of your own crush, either. It's just tango. Maybe try not to dance more than one set with your respective crushes so as not to tick each other off.
What Michael wrote about the follower relaxing is a very good point. I have started to lead and I am quite amazed at the difference you feel between followers who are relaxed and those who are all tense. You can't really SEE this so followers don't know from looking at other followers. But when she relaxes against you, it feels like she trusts you to do a good job in leading her in a lovely dance, she puts her fate in your hands, and I bet that makes guys feel protective and confident and in charge and whatnot. In other words it makes a guy feel like a million bucks. Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm a girl and I'm making this up as I go along; I am also an evolutionary biologist and I see everything pretty much in terms of mating strategies, hormones and neurotransmitters. Anyway, from that to "special feelings" is not a big leap, especially if he's new to the mindgame of tango. He'll get used to it, and you'll get more experienced, and it'll be alright.
Good luck, and let it get to you only so much as to keep you on the edge. It's exciting!
Tine
Lily Cheng <cll@HSINYIEH.COM.HK> wrote:
How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
I'm learning argentine tangowith my boyfriend, we learn it together and enjoyed it very much, but when we start to go dancing in social events and he honestly told me that he had some special feeling with a girl when he danced with her. I have had the same feeling of nearly falling in love with a guy cos the dance we danced was so good, i understand this feeling. But i still feel so uncomfortable thereafter whenever i see him with the other girl. And i feel very upset that the one he's having so much passion when dancing is not me but someone else, same for myself, i can't have the same passion with him as with other guy.
I understand it's somehow becos of imagination. Is this normal?
Is there anyone having the same feeling who can share with me how you deal with such jealousy?
************************
Tango Club at Yale
YaleTangoClub@yahoo.com
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Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 14:03:02 +0900
From: astrid <astrid@RUBY.PLALA.OR.JP>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
he honestly told me that he had some special feeling with a girl when he
danced with her. I have had the same feeling of nearly falling in love with
a guy cos the dance we danced was so good, i understand this feeling. But i
still feel so uncomfortable thereafter whenever i see him with the other
girl.
Some people just want to have it all. ; )
No, seriously, I understand how you feel. I believe , this is rather common
in tango. Fortunately, nobody really expects the woman to sit around waiting
for her boyfriend to come back from the dance floor. Enjoy yourself as much
as you can, and forget about him while you do (easy !). And keep in mind,
that feeling passion for and totally in tune with someone on the dance floor
(un)fortunately does not automatically translate itself to feeling or doing
anything with each other off the dance floor. After the most breathtaking
encounter on the floor, you stand next to each other awkwardly tongue tied
off the floor, find out that you have nothing in common mentally or
spiritually, and, soon, one of you will rush off the experience another high
with the next person.
Tango is a bit like virtual reality. When the last curtain falls, the actors
take off their costumes and go home.
Astrid
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 06:45:54 -0800
From: Marisa Holmes <mariholmes@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
Hi, Lily,
The advice you ve gotten is the best you re going to
get: you ve got to get used to it. That flash of
passion you feel while dancing is the fireworks and
when the fireworks are over you can go home with your
comfortable partner or spouse to the cozy hearth. You
can have them both if you don t get hung up on the
idea that you might have the fireworks full time. You
may also find that the partner with whom you just had
that unforgettable dance will never provide the same
experience again.
The bad news is that you and your boyfriend may find
when you have enough experience with various partners
that for either or both of you, the other is not the
ideal dance partner and that someone else is. Two
pieces of advice: First, the same partner is not
always and forever the ideal partner; different people
will be perfect for you at different times. Second,
the ideal dance partner is probably not the ideal life
partner; if they are you ve gotten amazingly lucky
(unless, of course, you break up). If your boyfriend
is the ideal boyfriend that is good enough.
Marisa
--- Lily Cheng <cll@HSINYIEH.COM.HK> wrote:
> How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
>
> I'm learning argentine tangowith my boyfriend, we
> learn it together and enjoyed it very much, but when
> we start to go dancing in social events and he
> honestly told me that he had some special feeling
> with a girl when he danced with her. I have had the
> same feeling of nearly falling in love with a guy
> cos the dance we danced was so good, i understand
> this feeling.
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 13:45:15 +0800
From: Lily Cheng <cll@HSINYIEH.COM.HK>
Subject: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango
Thanks everyone for responding. From all the response, it seems that everyone is really separating tango and love, to treat tango as just the =
dance and after the dance, you have to just walk away without any residue feelings or contact with that person ... but is it really the =
case in reality? Do you really walk away without talking with the one you danced with? i wonder.
I think it doesn't work like that, especially for a small tango community, when you always come across people you've danced with before, =
you can't escape talking with them while you are waiting for being invited to dance. And if ever you start talking with him/her, you start =
knowing him and understand more about the person, be friend with him/her, then the kind of special feeling in dance + feeling of him/her =
as friend will add together with imagination as well, that's usually how a crush begins, not just dancing alone, isn't it. And this kind of =
feeling can be even more powerful than the love between a relationship, if the love between couples is just a romantic love without concrete =
substances, it's very easy to be carried away just by the feel of the crush.
What can we do then? For me, it's either you try to avoid developing any feeling further, or you try to know him/her even more so that the =
imagination will be destroyed, and you come back to reality. But this is very tiring, if you've to do it to everybody you have feeling for. But =
for avoiding being friend with him/her seem not natural too. So, what's your way of dealing with this?
There're so much to learn to tango and from tango!!!
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 13:59:37 +0800
From: CLL <cll@HSINYIEH.COM.HK>
Subject: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango?
Thank you all for sharing these very personal matter of mine, i really learn a lot from you all, as i'm kind of newbies to tango, but is these =
kind of beginners' crush really mostly happen to beginners? Why we won't have such feeling anymore as we become more experienced? can some of you =
share your experience of how you went through it?
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 00:10:06 -0800
From: margaret lentell <maggie97210@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango
dance with passion, dance with your heart and soul, dance with honesty....
nothing else matters
---- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2004 9:45 PM
Subject: [TANGO-L] How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango
Thanks everyone for responding. From all the response, it seems that
everyone is really separating tango and love, to treat tango as just the
dance and after the dance, you have to just walk away without any residue
feelings or contact with that person ... but is it really the case in
reality? Do you really walk away without talking with the one you danced
with? i wonder.
I think it doesn't work like that, especially for a small tango community,
when you always come across people you've danced with before, you can't
escape talking with them while you are waiting for being invited to dance.
And if ever you start talking with him/her, you start knowing him and
understand more about the person, be friend with him/her, then the kind of
special feeling in dance + feeling of him/her as friend will add together
with imagination as well, that's usually how a crush begins, not just
dancing alone, isn't it. And this kind of feeling can be even more powerful
than the love between a relationship, if the love between couples is just a
romantic love without concrete substances, it's very easy to be carried away
just by the feel of the crush.
What can we do then? For me, it's either you try to avoid developing any
feeling further, or you try to know him/her even more so that the
imagination will be destroyed, and you come back to reality. But this is
very tiring, if you've to do it to everybody you have feeling for. But for
avoiding being friend with him/her seem not natural too. So, what's your way
of dealing with this?
There're so much to learn to tango and from tango!!!
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 17:22:27 +0900
From: astrid <astrid@RUBY.PLALA.OR.JP>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango
Lily Cheng wrote:
when you always come across people you've danced with before, you can't
escape talking with them while you are waiting for being invited to dance.
And if ever you start talking with him/her, you start knowing him and
understand more about the person, be friend with him/her, then the kind of
special feeling in dance + feeling of him/her as friend will add together
with imagination as well, that's usually how a crush begins,
Lily,
it seems, you have the whole thing worked out in your head already before
you have even started...
No wonder, you are jealous if your boyfriend dances with other women.
In my experience, being jealous usually is not an indication of love, but
rather of envy, that the partner gets to do what you would secretly like to
do yourself (meet and fall in love with someone more interesting).
Do not worry, Lily, the reality is, that you will have to share the men
present at the milonga with the other women. Just like they will share you
with the other men. When one wants to dance, and esp., learn how to dance
better, it does not help being stuck with one particular person, just
because you feel emotional obligations to him or her. It also does not help
to spend a lot of time sitting around talking to people, and most dancers do
not have the patience for that at a milonga. After all, this is not what
they came and paid for, in most cases. The tango world is a world of donors.
You share the person you like best with other people, and even watch while
you do. Sometimes with fascination.
If you think, this sounds morbid, you may be in the wrong place.
Astrid
Avec W. le deluge
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 05:45:59 -0800
From: Larry Gmucs <gmucs@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango
The other side of Jealousy --
My wife and I met dancing, and we've been dancing ever
since. Particularly in Tango, we can have some
terrible squabbles on the dance floor, about leading,
following, balance, timing, the full catastrophe. We
quickly learned how to leave the problem on the dance
floor.
Larry in Cleveland
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 12:31:27 -0500
From: Tanguero Chino <tanguerochino@NETSCAPE.NET>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango
Lily wrote:
> From all the response, it seems that everyone is really separating
> tango and love, to treat tango as just the dance and after the
> dance, you have to just walk away without any residue feelings or
> contact with that person ... but is it really the case in reality?
You've got it. That is why some call tango a "3 minute affair". For
the best tango experience, you need to be emotionally open to the
partner with whom you are dancing. When both partners are open and
receptive to the messages sent by the other, it is exquisite.
However, it is only a dance. What happens on the dance floor stays
on dance floor. That is a good rule to follow. Compatibility on the
dance floor does not mean compatibility off it.
Lily wrote:
> ... you can't escape talking with them ...
> ... you start knowing him and understand more about the person ...
Off the dance floor, the ordinary social norms of the society will apply.
The milonga is only one of the many ways men and women get to meet each other.
Couples have come together, couples have separated, and real affairs have happened off the dance floor, and this will continue to take place. On or off the dance floor, we are still humans.
The milonga is, after all, supposed to be a social occasion. Talking to others in the milongas is part of the social aspect. It is how much you allow your feelings on the dance floor to cross-over into real life that would dictate what would happen in your relationships. For that, only the person involved can determine what is appropriate.
Search from anywhere on the Web and block those annoying pop-ups.
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 14:33:17 -0800
From: Trini or Sean - PATangoS <patangos@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Re: How to Deal With Jealousy in Dancing Tango
Hello Lily & CLL,
Basically, you need to decide what s important for
yourselves. If you re confused, then I suggest
staying away from tango for awhile. It might be a
sign that your boyfriend/husband/life partner just
might not be the one for you.
So you decide that you really want to be with your
life partner but jealousy is a problem for one or both
of you? A few suggestions.
- Talk about this with your life partner, which is
infinitely healthier than keeping secrets, even if it
is to limit what to talk about together. If you re
not comfortable with him/her dancing with someone, let
your partner know (when I see you dance with , it
makes me feel ) but try not to make demands on
him/her (I don t want you dancing with ...).
- Jealousy may diminish as one feels more comfortable
as a dance partner to one s life partner. You may
want to learn about each other s temperaments. We
often recommend David Keirsey s book Please
Understand Me II . Available at Barnes & Nobles,
Borders, etc. https://keirsey.com/pumII.html
- Be clear about your own and your life partner s
expectations of each other as dance partners.
Actually, take the pressure off by NOT having
expectations of each other. Beginning men,
especially, face enormous pressure to try to dance
well. Don t add to it.
- Learn how to set boundaries and don t be afraid to
enforce them with your dance partners. It s easy to
rationalize away threats to those boundaries (he/she
didn t really mean it; it s a cultural difference
he/she doesn t understand). Don t. In a small
community, one might be concerned that avoiding
someone will look funny . Actually, no one will even
notice.
- Go ahead and develop friendships with dance
partners, but watch for whether they treat you and
your life partner as a couple. If they don t make
your life partner feel comfortable, then watch out!
Again, watch those boundaries.
Hopefully, you and your partner will accept and safely
enjoy the emotional intensity that dancing with others
can bring.
Trini de Pittsburgh
=====
PATangoS - Pittsburgh Argentine Tango Society
Our Mission: To make Argentine Tango Pittsburgh's most popular social dance.
https://www.pitt.edu/~mcph/PATangoWeb.htm
