3813  Cabeceo formula for success, reexamined

Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 10:51:04 -0600
From: Brian Dunn <brian@DANCEOFTHEHEART.COM>
Subject: Cabeceo formula for success, reexamined

Dear List,

I understand that Astrid, Sean and Lucia are to some degree indulging in
whimsy with the "cabeceo formula for success". Nevertheless, even whimsical
speculations illuminate our underlying assumptions in interesting ways.

I am drawn to see "success" and "failure" at the eye game in terms of
effective communication between two people, rather than as whether or not
one of them gets what he thinks he wants.

A Trivial Success:
He wants to, she wants to - they exchange looks & nods, then dance.
Everybody's happy.

ANOTHER Kind of "Success":
He wants to, she doesn't - He stares at her, stares at her, stares at her,
but because any of the following is true, she does not return his glance:
- she's tired
- her feet hurt
- some clod just stepped on her, and she's recovering her composure
- she doesn't like this music
- she doesn't like the guy staring at her
- her jealous boyfriend/husband is heading her way
- a guy who she has been after for some time is heading her way
- she has been staring at someone else, and wants to continue
- several other compelling reasons I haven't thought of...

He understands that she doesn't want to dance with him now. Rather than
becoming petulant and petty, however, being a clever fellow with some
empathy and experience, he also:
- accepts that she doesn't owe him (and/or his ego) an explanation in public
about which of the above is true at the moment.
- realizes that her current refusal doesn't mean she won't return his glance
later, when one of the above reasons has changed.
- enjoys the thought that she both understands his desire to dance with her
and is grateful that he's playing by the rules and preserving her social
boundaries. Everybody's still happy, potentially, even if ultimate
gratification is deferred for him. (True story, verified many times over in
my experience)

<< Reverse the genders, alter some of the reasons appropriately, and the
above "success" also applies when "she wants to, he doesn't" - after all, it
takes two to play. >>



So here are some "Failures"...
He wants to, she wants to - perfectly captured in the movie "Sixteen
Candles", the dreamboat guy catches the girl's eye and smiles welcomingly,
and...unable to handle the sudden fulfillment of her dream, she turns away
with a nauseated look on her face. Communication failed - Nobody's happy.

He wants to, she doesn't - he stares, she looks away, he draws closer and
stares, she looks away more pointedly, he walks up in front of her and
stares, she continues to look away, and now ...DETERMINED to "win" "by the
rules"...He gets inches from her face, and silently gestures with a big nod
to the floor and a wink...embarrassed, with no social space left uninvaded,
sensitive to onlookers, she accepts the dance, but...how good a dance can
THAT be? Communication failed - she's definitely not happy, and even though
the guy in his current rude & clueless state "got what he wanted", he's only
managed to create the desire in her to avoid him forever in the future, and
to work harder to do so. (True story)

She wants to, he doesn't - He avoids looking at her. Unwilling to accept
his lack of interest, she pursues him across a crowded floor, finally
tapping him insistently on the shoulder in order to ask him to ask her for a
dance. Actively pursuing someone else with the cabeceo, he ignores the tap
and continues walking. Communication failed - he didn't want to have to
potentially humiliate her publicly, and she certainly didn't get what she
wanted. Nobody's happy. (True story)


Apparently, the cabeceo originated as a way of maximizing happiness for
EVERYONE in a high-pressure milonga social situation. Success is thus more
appropriately measured by this "global happiness" standard, in terms of
effective communication between two people, REGARDLESS of whether or not
they end up dancing together. Otherwise we are left with this anemic
"measure of success": whether or not a guy gets what he thinks he wants
before he has the whole picture.

Why would I want to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with me
right now? The cabeceo saves me from investing valuable milonga time and
emotional energy in such a fruitless pursuit.

All the best,
Brian Dunn
Dance of the Heart
Boulder, Colorado USA
www.danceoftheheart.com

Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 11:00:14 -0700
From: Yale Tango Club <yaletangoclub@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Re: Cabeceo formula for success, reexamined

Brian, thank you for your excellent post.

Gentlemen and other men,
If a girl dives into her purse as you are on a course towards her, and she keeps her head in her purse rummaging for who knows what while you loiter 2 feet in front of her waiting for her to look up, THAT MEANS NO. She can see your feet and she knows who is there and if she wanted to dance with you she would look up and acknowledge you. Such strategies are a very low trick, and if you do this you deserve that she looks up and shakes her head NO for everybody to see.

Thank you.
Tine



Brian Dunn <brian@DANCEOFTHEHEART.COM> wrote:
Dear List,

I understand that Astrid, Sean and Lucia are to some degree indulging in
whimsy with the "cabeceo formula for success". Nevertheless, even whimsical
speculations illuminate our underlying assumptions in interesting ways.

I am drawn to see "success" and "failure" at the eye game in terms of
effective communication between two people, rather than as whether or not
one of them gets what he thinks he wants.

A Trivial Success:
He wants to, she wants to - they exchange looks & nods, then dance.
Everybody's happy.

ANOTHER Kind of "Success":
He wants to, she doesn't - He stares at her, stares at her, stares at her,
but because any of the following is true, she does not return his glance:
- she's tired
- her feet hurt
- some clod just stepped on her, and she's recovering her composure
- she doesn't like this music
- she doesn't like the guy staring at her
- her jealous boyfriend/husband is heading her way
- a guy who she has been after for some time is heading her way
- she has been staring at someone else, and wants to continue
- several other compelling reasons I haven't thought of...

He understands that she doesn't want to dance with him now. Rather than
becoming petulant and petty, however, being a clever fellow with some
empathy and experience, he also:
- accepts that she doesn't owe him (and/or his ego) an explanation in public
about which of the above is true at the moment.
- realizes that her current refusal doesn't mean she won't return his glance
later, when one of the above reasons has changed.
- enjoys the thought that she both understands his desire to dance with her
and is grateful that he's playing by the rules and preserving her social
boundaries. Everybody's still happy, potentially, even if ultimate
gratification is deferred for him. (True story, verified many times over in
my experience)

<< Reverse the genders, alter some of the reasons appropriately, and the
above "success" also applies when "she wants to, he doesn't" - after all, it
takes two to play. >>



So here are some "Failures"...
He wants to, she wants to - perfectly captured in the movie "Sixteen
Candles", the dreamboat guy catches the girl's eye and smiles welcomingly,
and...unable to handle the sudden fulfillment of her dream, she turns away
with a nauseated look on her face. Communication failed - Nobody's happy.

He wants to, she doesn't - he stares, she looks away, he draws closer and
stares, she looks away more pointedly, he walks up in front of her and
stares, she continues to look away, and now ...DETERMINED to "win" "by the
rules"...He gets inches from her face, and silently gestures with a big nod
to the floor and a wink...embarrassed, with no social space left uninvaded,
sensitive to onlookers, she accepts the dance, but...how good a dance can
THAT be? Communication failed - she's definitely not happy, and even though
the guy in his current rude & clueless state "got what he wanted", he's only
managed to create the desire in her to avoid him forever in the future, and
to work harder to do so. (True story)

She wants to, he doesn't - He avoids looking at her. Unwilling to accept
his lack of interest, she pursues him across a crowded floor, finally
tapping him insistently on the shoulder in order to ask him to ask her for a
dance. Actively pursuing someone else with the cabeceo, he ignores the tap
and continues walking. Communication failed - he didn't want to have to
potentially humiliate her publicly, and she certainly didn't get what she
wanted. Nobody's happy. (True story)


Apparently, the cabeceo originated as a way of maximizing happiness for
EVERYONE in a high-pressure milonga social situation. Success is thus more
appropriately measured by this "global happiness" standard, in terms of
effective communication between two people, REGARDLESS of whether or not
they end up dancing together. Otherwise we are left with this anemic
"measure of success": whether or not a guy gets what he thinks he wants
before he has the whole picture.

Why would I want to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with me
right now? The cabeceo saves me from investing valuable milonga time and
emotional energy in such a fruitless pursuit.

All the best,
Brian Dunn
Dance of the Heart
Boulder, Colorado USA
www.danceoftheheart.com



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