118  Correction vs. Survival

Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 22:06:17 -0700
From: Michael Ditkoff <tangomaniac@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Correction vs. Survival

I've read with great interest today's messages originally entitled
attitude rant (and rejection.)

JC Dill is absolutely correct. She (nor any partner) has to suffer
because the other partner is causing pain. JC isn't correcting the
partner. She's surviving. This is no different than somebody putting a
heavy briefcase on your foot on the subway and you ask them to remove it.
I'm not going to suffer in pain either. If the woman has a right arm as
tight as a steel beam, my options are limited. I'll try to put the hand
straight down so she isn't pushing against me. In some cases, I've had to
tell my partner to relax because her grip is too tight. I'm not
correcting her. I'm stopping pain.

Steven Brown asked if he say something if the woman isn't executing a
molinete in a circle, pulling him off his balance. I suggest that he not
sacrifice his frame nor loosen his right arm. A firmer arm should keep
the woman in a circle. If not, she should wonder why she's being kept in
a circle. If she asks what's going on, the time to tell her is after the
dance. In this case, she asked so Steven isn't acting like a teacher,
merely giving helpful advice.

IMHO, the primary reason for tightness is fear, anxiety, and too much
ballroom. The harder we try to dance, the worse we dance. My teacher's
advice is "let it happen, not make it happen." This is particularly
appropriate for decorations. The problem from ballroom (and I dance
ballroom) is the man tells the woman "give me enough resistance so I can
feel you." This reminds me of myself. Fortunately, my ex ballroom partner
recommended her yoga therapist. For the past three years on a weekly
basis, the yoga therapist pushes and pulls on my arms and legs wringing
out accumulated stress, pressure over X years. It's like wringing water
out of sponge. Now, not only do I dance better, I get along better with
my mother!! If men would loosen up, they would be better able to feel
(not grope) the woman's frame and know which foot she's standing on.

JC wrote again, this time about dance etiquette, being sensitive to
partners. IMHO, the primary difference between men and women is
Women dance with their hearts
Men dance with their hormones

Women want connection, men want figures (whether they can lead or not.)
The competitive hormone takes over reason. "If he can do that, so can I."
And if it doesn't work, try again and this time, really lead by pushing,
pulling, and coercion.

Now here's a novel idea I haven't read yet. Dancers are great at
complaining about insensitivity. Now how about complimenting your partner
when you've had a great tanda!! It's only fair that if you complain about
lousy leading or following, you should compliment great leading or
following. I'm not suggesting false praise but genuine praise. It's
amazing what words of encouragement can do -- REGARDLESS OF THE
RECIPIENT'S SKILL LEVEL. When I started, I needed a lot of encouragement,
because I was pathetic. But after one year of lessons, I moved up to
terrible. After two years of lessons, I moved up to mediocre.
Coming up on finishing three years of lessons in September, and I'm
almost bad. I should live so long to be good.

Try it this weekend and watch your partner's face. That person will want
to dance with you again.

Well, time to practice ochos, enrosque before I turn in for the night.

Pleasant dreams

Michael
Still in Washington
Studying the new New York City subway system map for my eventual return
to the Big Apple

Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 10:18:56 -0600
From: Brian Dunn <brianpdunn@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Re: Correction vs. Survival

Michael:

>>>>

...JC wrote again, this time about dance etiquette, being sensitive to
partners... It's amazing what words of encouragement can do -- REGARDLESS OF
THE
RECIPIENT'S SKILL LEVEL...Try it this weekend and watch your partner's face.
That person will want
to dance with you again.
<<<<

If anything happens while I am leading that makes the follower feel she's
made a mistake, my habit is to immediately apologize. Often the woman will
say, "Oh, that was my fault". I will then attempt to gently but firmly
retrieve the responsibility from her, saying something like, "One of the
great things about this dance is that, in general, it's always the leader's
fault." This is probably frequently interpreted as an attempt to be
generous - that misinterpretation is OK with me, and produces some of the
warm glow in the encounter that Michael describes above. But I actually
believe it's true, and that it's a useful perspective for a leader to take.
It was my decision with this partner to lead a given element, so I take
responsibility for whether I estimated our connection and her abilities
correctly.

Brian Dunn
Boulder, Colorado USA
www.danceoftheheart.com