276  Practicas and Giving Advice

Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2001 21:56:19 -0700
From: clayton beach <akumushi@ONEBOX.COM>
Subject: Practicas and Giving Advice

Steve wrote:

>advice,
> comments or pointers are frequently not all that welcome during
> practicas or small practice sessions either--even if they are designed
> to
> help move the listener up the learning curve.

It's no wonder that we have problems with our dance in the first place.
Before we can learn the intricacies of a subtle, non-verbal communication,
we might want to learn to communicate through the languge that we use
all day long. (the spoken variety)
While I am no expert at explaining what I feel and advice is always hard
to take no matter how useful it is, I think we need to learn to be able
to communicate our needs and problems orally before they can be resolved
physically.
Having a dance partner that I've also been dating for a couple of years
has been a really good experience on learning how to communicate what
is wrong without hurting another person's feelings and pride.
I've had follows give me "advice" that makes me want to give them the
finger and walk out the door, but I've also had follows that I've never
met before give me advice that is concrete, helpful, and that also makes
me feel better about my dance. It can be done, it's just incredibly
difficult.
I think that advice needs to be presented from the stand point of how
you feel, what is uncomfortable for you, and what you need. Phrasing
your advice in this context will get you much farther than the less tactful
"you should do this," or "you're not doing that right." People don't
"need" to do anything, and if they're told so it automatically makes
them defensive.
I also know that many leads don't give follows enough respect, and it's
harder for a follow to express what she needs. Follows do not recieve
as much drilling on the pure mechanics of the dance. As the previous
discussion on learning curves showed, beginning leads are confronted
with knowing what their partner needs, what they need to do, the music
et cetera. So when does it become the responsibility of the follow to
lpay attention to these skills? I've never heard a teacher explicitly
say, "now ladies, your partner needs you to do this in order for him
to be comfortable." The only things they're told is "don't anticipate,"
wait for him to place you there...
I've found that it is much easier for me to look at our position, and
say, "oh, of course, for a sacada I need to be this far away to remain
the triangle, and then have you step toward my free foot..."
You don't hear many follows dissect the dance like that.
Perhaps that is why more follows decide to learn the basics of the lead,
just to be taught how to dissect the mechanics of moves.
For this reason, leads should be more patient if a follow is not able
to immediatly say what she needs. Sometimes she just knows that she's
uncomfortable, and nothing more.
I've seen so many couples in fights because the follow is saying she's
uncomfortable and the lead just tells her that he's supposed to do this
or that.
I think as more of us cross the gender gap and learn the other role,
we'd all be able to comunicate a more constructively.
I myself wish I could follow more. It's harder for a man to say, "hey
Chuck, how 'bout leading me around for a couple of dances." It shouldn't
be that way, but we are products of the society we live in. America
is hardly the land of tolerance when anything involves more than football
related intimacy between men.
But I digress...
The point is that we could all use to brush up on our communication skills,
both off and on the floor. The practica that I attend is more of a social
dance environment than serious practice. The only time we do get work
done is when an instructor is around. If only we'd do our homework more
often.
The other point is that we should be more receptive to our partner's
needs, and more understanding of their situation.
I myself wish that I was better at this, but this compassion and level
of communication is one of the hardest things about life.
Follows: Do you want to dance with a man that doesn't care about your
needs?
Men: Don't you want to dance?
Then let's all try to open the airwaves and get some constructive work
done.
Happy dancing to you all
--
Clayton Beach
akumushi@onebox.com