639 Sex and Tango
Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 02:39:53 -0700
From: "Larry E. Carroll" <larrydla@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Sex and Tango
This is my last email to TANGO-L. Once I send it off I will sign off.
I've met many great people on and through TANGO-L and been immeasurably
enriched by your ideas. Thank you.
The ways you dance and make love are closely related. The way you do one
tells your partner much about how you do the other.
Good sex (and dancing) takes a sense of humor, caring for your partner,
and lack of inhibitions paired with unselfconsciously good body control.
You also need to know that every woman (and man) is different, with
different wants and needs and abilities. And the SAME partner may want
different things at different times.
The best way to find out what she (or he) wants is to ask. But in bed
people are not always willing to talk about their wants. Instead one can
use the technique we use in dancing. Convince her that she can trust
you, experiment cautiously, and "listen" carefully to her body language.
Tango is an order of magnitude more expressive than other social dances.
So there are more ways to "talk" with your body in tango, making tango
potentially more seductive than the other dances. It's as if the other
dances have palettes of one or two colors, and tango has the entire
rainbow.
But as with any art form, the creativity and skill of the artist/dancer
is as important as the tools s/he has to wield. There are many dancers
doing the tango who waste most of the rich palette available to them.
And as on the dance floor, so they will be in bed.
Dancing is like speech, because it is (among other things) a way to
communicate. A fascinating speaker varies the speed, tone, and volume of
their voice. They inject emotion into their speech. And they can be
quiet and listen to what others have to say. As in speech so it is in
dance - and in making love.
Among the "colors" on the tango palette is the imagery that dance shows
provide. Tango is much richer in imagery than other dances. There is,
for instance, tango as acrobatics. Tango as comedy, trickery, fun. Tango
as serene. As soulful. As refined, sophisticated, and nurturing.
Of course when dancing socially you can't (or shouldn't!) use the broad
dramatic flourishes of the stage to express the emotions found in these
roles. But in subtle ways that only your partner can perceive you can
show that you are not just a robotic dancing machine but a person with
the full range of emotion.
On TANGO-L there are self-appointed keepers of tango authenticity who
will object to adding emotion and playfulness to tango dancing. Just
imagine how boring these people must be in bed!
One image that you often see in tango shows, which impresses reporters
so much that they haul out those cliched adjectives "steamy" and
"sizzling" and "sexy," is the Prostitute and the Pimp. A lot of social
tango dancers like this image, too. So I'm going to discuss it a bit.
This image is so popular partly because of the myth that tango started
in brothels. But a much bigger reason for its popularity is that this
imagery touches on some basic needs in human nature. Quite simply,
sometimes a woman wants to play the Prostitute to (HER CHOICE OF) a
Pimp. And sometimes a man wants to play the stereotypical supermale.
Occasionally this is because a woman is a masochist in the clinical
sense - unable to enjoy sex without first being punished in word or
deed. Before I came to tango I had (at two different times) two women
friends who had this illness/skill. They taught me to recognize someone
with these tastes the same way you instantly recognize an acquaintance,
even at a distance. I've come across it a few times in the tango world,
but in about the same proportions as in the general population.
Much more often women (and men) want something that is superficially the
same as sadomasochism but at bottom is completely different. This is a
desire to replay the battle of the sexes - in the senses of play being
fun, and pretend. Sometimes the woman "wins" by exercising her unbridled
sexual power. Sometimes the man wins by "taming" her with ruthless
strength.
In real life either happening would be sick. Paradoxically, on the dance
floor or as part of lovemaking it can be healthy.
Playing the Pimp (or Prostitute) well enough to bring out and satisfy
the Prostitute (or Pimp) in your partner takes great skill and care.
First there has to be trust on both sides, because there are so many
ways this playacting can go wrong. Among others, one of the partners may
mistake pretend for real - or, much worse, mistake real for pretend.
Both dancers have to have good body control and the ability to sense
exactly where the line is between vigorous and dangerous. And the line
changes depending upon a lot of factors, such as how tired or energetic
you are. It's easy to give a woman whiplash by changing direction too
quickly, for instance. It's easy to draw blood from the back of a man's
neck rather than lightly scratch it.
Also important is attitude. Both partners have to have the creativity
and willingness to act a part well but with just enough bravura style
that it's obviously an act - play - rather than the real thing.
Lastly I want to make a point important to understanding and dancing the
tango. Sexuality and sensuality are not the same thing. Sensuality is a
garden. Sexuality is one small part of it.
An ant will understand astrophysics easier than some people will
understand this.
As we grow up we are touched less and less by our parents and other
family and friends. At adolescence, when we obviously begin to take on
adult sexual characteristics, suddenly we are touched much less by
people wary of the minefields of sex. Because of this I suspect most
adults have a hunger to be touched that is rarely satisfied, a hunger
that has nothing to do with sex but with something more fundamental.
Those tango dancers who will only dance with people they want to date
are cheating themselves. They are missing out on the joy of touching and
being touched unconfused by sexuality.
It has been three months since I danced tango. I return to the tango
scene at LA's Tango Fireworks 2002, which starts this Friday. Will this
experience rekindle the excitement for Larry? Will his long-lost sister
resurface? Will Marjorie find happiness with George? Will Judy's
operation - Oops. Wrong channel.
May you get all the hugs you need.
Larry de Los Angeles
https://home.att.net/~larrydla
Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 11:27:57 +0100
From: Tony Ramsay <tony.ramsay@VIRGIN.NET>
Subject: Re: sex and tango
Larry's sex and tango post is going to stir things up a bit. I can see why he's ducked below the parapet. But for what it's worth - an =
anecdote:
I had a guitar teacher in Buenos Aires once and we used to play duets. One day he stopped me in the middle of a piece and said "it's no use =
trying to play your notes and fit them round my notes. You have to imagine you're playing my notes as well." We (I) played much better =
after that.
At the time it struck me as some of the best advice you would ever here on how to make love. Now, of course, it opens a door into tango.
Tony
