899  SF Gate: Ah, the wonders of the universe

Date: Fri, 27 Dec 2002 14:56:00 -0800
From: Barbara Garvey <barbara@TANGOBAR-PRODUCTIONS.COM>
Subject: SF Gate: Ah, the wonders of the universe

A holiday message -- you'll have to stick with this for appropriate
content, or scroll down. Abrazos, Barbara
This article was sent to you by someone who found it on SF Gate.
The original article can be found on SFGate.com here:
https://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2002/12/27/DD118962.DTL
Friday, December 27, 2002 (SF Chronicle)
Ah, the wonders of the universe
JON CARROLL



DON'T TAKE THIS the wrong way, but I'd like to say that the first wonder
of the universe is women. Maybe you're a woman, and you don't feel so
wonderful, but maybe the Pyramids have bad days, too. Maybe the Grand
Canyon gets mad. But women can do wondrous things.
About 10 years ago, I wrote a column about the cool way that women can
take their bras off without taking their blouses off. They nip here, they
tuck here,
and suddenly they're pulling a bra out their armhole. Shazam!
Well, people wrote and explained it to me. There were diagrams and
everything. I understood it for about five minutes, but then I forgot. How
does the strap on the opposite arm get over the shoulder? It makes no
sense.
(I forget geology, too. In 20 years, I have probably been on two dozen
"geology walks" in Tasmania or Newfoundland or Death Valley, and not a
single sentence has penetrated. OK, "igneous" has something to with fire
and "sedimentary" was once under the ocean. I also remember the sentence
"The barren vista you see before you was once a giant inland sea." But
that's it. Geology and bras: mysteries.)
Lately I have been noticing another great woman mystery. I usually notice
it at the gym, although just two days ago I saw a waitress do it when she
was coming on duty. OK, a woman has long hair. She decides to get it out
of her face so she can do a chore of some sort. She waves her hands like
the great Blackstone, and zowie, it's up. It's neat. It's in this bunlike
thing with no visible means of support.
I swear, no bobby pins are used. Maybe it's a knot of some sort. I dunno.
I have seen a woman do this while walking. Are you kidding me? I'm a man
of the world and do not impress easily -- I saw Old Faithful geyser and
said, "It was better on the postcard" -- but this thing with the hair. You
know?
YOU KNOW WHAT else is wonderful? The laundry product Shout. No one gives
it enough credit. Put it on the stains in your clothing, and the stains
come out. How many products actually do what they promise to do? Did you
ever get a really beautiful woman by drinking of six-pack of Miller Light
and looking available? Yeah, well, me neither.
(In praising the laundry product Shout, I realize that I am treading
dangerously close to hallowed comedic ground. In the classic Carl
Reiner-Mel Brooks bit "The 2,000-Year-Old Man," Reiner asks the
2,000-year-old man what, in his opinion, is the greatest thing that
civilization has accomplished in 2, 000 years. He ponders the question and
then says, "I would have to say Liquid Prell."
(Ever since, the words Liquid Prell have been out of bounds for all comedy
writers. The ultimate Liquid Prell joke has been done; the genius
recognition of the inherent funniness of the words Liquid Prell has been
accomplished.
(Shout is not Liquid Prell, and anyway I'm serious about Shout. But I have
this eerie fear that the gods of humor, the deities responsible for "The
Night the Bed Fell" and Shelley Berman's first record and Richard Pryor's
concert movies and the sidewalk scene in "All of Me," might leave a
monkey's paw on my front porch one morning. Or a dead rat. Something.)
WELL, I SEE by the big clock on the wall that I've just about run out of
space and have violated the sacred comedy rule of three, because there's
just women and Shout and I need a third wonder. Wait! The tango! Have you
seen people do that? It's proof that ESP exists! It is not of this earth.
Women, Shout and the tango. There.

You know what else is pretty good? Baby powder. Simple, smells good,
effective.
Last night there were four Marys, today there are but three: There's Mary
Seaton, and Mary Beaton, and Mary Carmichael and jcarroll@sfchronicle.
com.
Copyright 2002 SF Chronicle