2509  Tango etiquette: when things go bad... Part 2 of 2

Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 11:59:49 -0600
From: Brian Dunn <brian@DANCEOFTHEHEART.COM>
Subject: Tango etiquette: when things go bad... Part 2 of 2

(continued from Part 1 of 2)

Michael goes on to describe other "social problems" he's observed in hosting
milongas:

>>>

3. ...teaching at milongas (this is a biggie!)
<<<

In keeping with the wild-animal-containment theme mentioned above, one thing
you can do is try to provide a separated space at a milonga where the music
can be heard, but physically separated from the main floor, perhaps by an
arrangement of chairs. Then suggest/ask/tell people that they are welcome
to teach/learn/practice "over there" away from the main floor. This works
well at our Boulder milongas.

>>>

5. ...glomming on to every female newbie who walks through the door and
teaching her ganchos, etc.
<<<
This is the trickiest one to address for me, because of the nature of what
tango is to many of us. But as above, a little structure can go a long way.
At Tango Colorado events, the trend is to structure the newbie experience
more formally, with lessons held before the main practica gets going. The
lessons are given by experienced local tango teachers approved by the
organization. "Dysfunctional teaching" behaviors, if any, can then
potentially be addressed through the adoption of a code of ethics by
approved teachers.

But, you know, "glomming on to every female" has a wide and provocative
range of interpretation. If the females seem to like it, and no complaints
are registered from them, maybe the "problem" is just garden-variety tango
jealousy on the part of non-"glommers", and those people should learn to
live with it - use the jealousy energy as motivation to become a better,
more confident dancer, or something. On the other hand, if problems begin
to develop - repeated complaints, from multiple individuals, building up
over time about one person's behavior, for example - intervention may again
be the only effective method. Emotionally abusive behavior, conscious or
not, has many forms, some of which can be quite subtle at times. A talented
unconscious practitioner of emotional abuse can present a real and very
slippery challenge to other "family members". This challenge often includes
the need for these other family members to be willing to confront their own
denial and enabling behaviors with respect to the problem child.

In old Argentina, if some guy was spoiling the atmosphere at a local
milonga, the other guys would get together on the problem: "This guy is
driving women away from our milonga!" As a group, they might then find an
opportunity to "invite" the guy in question out in the alley for an
energetic little "discussion" of the problem. Of course, such roughneck
behavior has its own costs, and while it historically is effective in the
short term, its style doesn't match the demographics of most tango
communities I'm familiar with. But if all else fails, one transplantable
element from this scenario is the assumption of responsibility by the men AS
A GROUP for the well-being of the women as a group.

Men often feel competitive toward each other in the tango scene, and this is
not necessarily a bad thing. Historically, it was a factor in guys working
hard to become better dancers, which is good for everybody. But men can
also choose to bond together, to see past their healthy competition and step
up to the greater challenge of "protecting their women". After all, in this
tango game that we all love so well, from a certain perspective all the men
are sort of trying to seduce all the women a little bit all the time, right?
The seductive component of tango helps provide a buzz of energy in the
scene. This energy can help many of us break through our everyday
socialized shut-down emotional state and express ourselves in the arms of
our fellow dancers, passionately, artistically, and yet with respect for
each other. For this exciting game to be worth playing, it seems to me the
women need to feel reasonably "safe". The followers in tango are in some
ways and to some degree surrendering themselves to their
leader-of-the-moment, and are thus taking physical/emotional risks with
relative strangers. It seems reasonable to me that, when "things go bad" in
a tango community, followers have a right to depend on the "men in the
family" to break through their denial and enabling, and to work together to
preserve a tango environment in which followers can relax and give the gift
of their surrender in relative emotional safety.

I'm interested to hear publicly or privately about additional strategies
others may know of for similar situations.

All the best,
Brian Dunn
Dance of the Heart
Boulder, Colorado USA
www.danceoftheheart.com