5676 The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting and Accepting
Date: Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:02:27 +1000
From: "Vince Bagusauskas" <vytis@hotmail.com>
Subject: [Tango-L] The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting and Accepting
To: <tango-l@mit.edu>
Thanks for Sophia for posting this on Facebook:
https://www.close-embrace.com/invitingetiquette.html
Should be required reading for newbies
Date: Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:53:36 -0500
From: Joe Grohens <joe.grohens@gmail.com>
Subject: [Tango-L] The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting and Accepting
To: tango-l@mit.edu
Cc: Joe Grohens <joe.grohens@gmail.com>
Vince wrote:
> https://www.close-embrace.com/invitingetiquette.html
> Should be required reading for newbies
Hi Vince, et al.
I agree that Ney's article is an interesting discussion of dance
invitation situations, and it's certainly worth reading.
I don't know if I would make it "required reading for newbies". Some
newbies can take a document like this as a set of absolute rules, and
obey them whether they make sense or not.
I don't agree with everything Ney mentions. And I think it is
misleading to say that these viewpoints come from conversations with
"milongueros".
...
I don't really agree with the "penalty box" rule, for example. I don't
see why a woman has to sit out a tanda or even just one song because
she turned somebody else down.
I think women can say "no thanks" without needing to explain why and
dance with who they want.
If you're at a small milonga and all the women are turning down guys
(or maybe just one persistent guy) by saying "I'm resting", and then
they all sit out in the penalty box, you can start to have a pretty
empty dance floor.
I have had it happen where several women in a row told me the same
thing: "I want to dance with you but I can't right now because I just
turned somebody else down." I was apparently following the well-trod
path of a rejectee. Meanwhile, time's winged chariot is delivering the
close of an all-too-brief milonga.
.....
If women feel like they have to give a reason (suppose the guy says
"really? why not?"), in my view they should give the real reason, and
not claim to be tired or resting.
I have heard women say, for example, "I would dance with you if you
would towel off and change into a dry shirt, but I don't want to get
soaked in your sweat."
I have heard women say, "I would love to dance with you, but you hurt
me. You need to learn how to lead better before I'll dance with you at
a milonga."
Guys can deal with this (I think) because it's honest and it
identifies the thing they need to fix if they want to dance with that
particular partner.
....
It is true, though, that if a woman turns me down with an "I'm
resting" excuse, and then dances a few seconds later with somebody
else, I will not ask her to dance again (probably ever). Because I
have to assume that she just doesn't like dancing with me, and is too
courteous to tell it to me straight. Or maybe she has an amazing
aerobic capacity and can recharge after 20 seconds rest. If she says
"not right now" or just "no", on the other hand, I won't be as likely
to interpret that as "I don't like dancing with you".
....
I think it's gauche to take your shoes off as a signal that you don't
want to dance. But I suppose that's just me.
.....
What are the best and worst rejection lines you have ever heard (or
used yourself)?
- Joe
Date: Sun, 28 Jun 2009 09:26:32 +1000
From: "Vince Bagusauskas" <vytis@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: [Tango-L] The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting and Accepting
To: <tango-l@mit.edu>
> Date: Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:53:36 -0500
> From: Joe Grohens <joe.grohens@gmail.com>
> Subject: [Tango-L] The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting and Accepting
> To: tango-l@mit.edu
> Cc: Joe Grohens <joe.grohens@gmail.com>
>
>I don't know if I would make it "required reading for
newbies". Some
newbies can take a document like this as a set of absolute
rules, and
obey them whether they make sense or not.
As Ney said: if it were "somewhat adhered to" it would make life a little
better. Not surprisingly, several dancers have thanked my acquaintance for
posting that link.
People new to Tango (or even those who are proficient at it) won't be
necessarily be reading Tango L. And they won't read about the do and dents
here in an easily digested form, from all of the numerous threads on the
subject. How many schools actually hand out a "instructions" on how to
behave at a milonga? Certainly the schools I have been to, do not. One
tango club I went to did have some etiquette rules (a "Surviving Tango
Guide") that were given to people only when they joined. Schools could do
no worse by referring students to Ney or tweak them to suit their local
circumstances.
>I think it's gauche to take your shoes off as a signal that you
don't
want to dance. But I suppose that's just me.
I have seen it used.
>What are the best and worst rejection lines you have ever heard
As you said:
"I'm resting" excuse, and then dances a few seconds later with somebody
else.
