3842  On soft bullies and respect

Date: Sun, 25 Sep 2005 14:32:49 -0600
From: Oleh Kovalchuke <tangospring@GMAIL.COM>
Subject: On soft bullies and respect

Trini wrote some time ago:

"Does anyone else have this issue? ... men who feel as if they do not
have a choice but to say yes to a woman's invitation if they want to
be polite. It means that he dances but doesn't enjoy it."


There you go the question and the answer in the same message.

By being "polite" you encourage this behavior from the bullies, get to
dance a tanda no one truly enjoys and feel denigrated for some time
afterwards. This is good opportunity to listen to Nike commercial and
to learn to say no (politely). Because being polite does not mean to
be available to be used at someone else's whim. It means showing
consideration of others and proper consideration for bullies should
result in occasional spanking (with adequate level of directness which
can be elevated if the initial response does not penetrate bully's
often very thick skin).

All of this is pretty self-evident to me and so I have not replied to
Trini's message at the time but I have not expected to put my
knowledge to test so soon. Yesterday I have been subjected to soft
bulling to get to dance with a person with lack of elementary social
manners (how else would you describe public display of uninvited
snuggling?). After I refused I have been treated to name calling and
to tears. Suddenly I almost felt like I am back in kindergarten again
except that this time instead of been required to perform as an action
toy I was supposed to switch my role and to become a consoling
pacifier (in the interest of full disclosure - alcohol was involved
but as any state trooper would tell you that is not an excuse really).
Crying is of course healing and should never be interrupted therefore
once more I have refused this role imposition of being a pacifier.
Because in truth I intend to return to kindergarten level of
interaction only after I am sixty four. There is no reason to rush
into senility before that age.

I _normally_ do not decline an invitation to dance from a person with
whom I have never danced before when she asks me for the first time if
I am not aware of her level of dancing or personality because she
might have considered her level of dancing as adequate for both of us
and I know it takes some courage to invite someone to dance. It's an
"exploratory" dancing. However once I do know her level of dancing
and/or personality I expect that she will respect my preferences too.
Once more it's pretty elementary matter of mutual respect among mature
adults.

I can do as well a "charity" tanda from time to time (I do realize
that others can do charity tanda for me from time to time too). But a
single person cannot demand this attitude repeatedly. I am not that
charitable and do not expect others to be that way for me. And so one
needs to grow up to learn to say no. Because, to bring the tried and
true wisdom once more, it takes two (mature persons) to tango.

--
Oleh Kovalchuke
https://TangoSpring.com

PS By the way all of this could be mitigated with cabeceo.



On 9/20/05, Trini y Sean (PATangoS) <patangos@yahoo.com> wrote:

> Seems that I need to elaborate a little with some
> examples that have continuously occurred over the
> years.
>
> The problem stems from women physically grabbing men
> as they come off of the floor (using the tango hug as
> an excuse), following the men to the bathroom and
> waiting outside, giving attitude about not being asked
> to dance at last night's milonga, saying "f--- you"
> when the guy explains that he already has a partner
> for a particular dance, complaints if he dances a
> second tanda with someone, etc.
>
> Women can be aggressive and manipulative. If a woman
> gets a second tanda, she can get glares and attitude
> from other women.
>
> The result is men who feel as if they do not have a
> choice but to say yes to a woman's invitation if they
> want to be polite. It means that he dances but
> doesn't enjoy it.
>
> If a man is approached by women at every single tanda
> (seriously) to dance, how is he to dance with the
> women he really wants to dance with? I am referring
> not to just good partners but also the beginning women
> that they want to encourage.
>
> Many of the women here, by the way, are nice. But the
> aggressiveness is starting to become a bigger problem.
>
> Does anyone else have this issue?
>
> Trini de Pittsburgh
>
>
>
> PATangoS - Pittsburgh Argentine Tango Society
> Our Mission: To make Argentine Tango Pittsburgh's most popular social dance.
> https://www.pitt.edu/~mcph/PATangoWeb.htm
>
>
>
>
>