574 People asking people to dance
Date: Mon, 27 May 2002 16:50:16 -0700
From: Carlos Lima <amilsolrac@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: People asking people to dance
The invitation etiquette is a subtle subject, and it has always been, in
tango and elsewhere. Many "shoulds" in tango are cogent because they are in
the end commonsensical judgments of fact distilled into rules / principles.
The human interaction issues touch much deeper brain layers. I am aware that
anything I say on this is highly subjective.
The existence of idiot-proof commandments hallowed by tradition does simplify
things, but it comes at a price for both men and women. The "let us do as the
Portennos do" is an easy out, though it probably is getting to resemble more
and more "let us do as some Portennos say the Portennos do here and there
some of the time". Regardless of the issue, I find this approach always
ultimately unsatisfactory, though perhaps not a bad start.
In this case we can make things even simpler by following Victor Silvester,
possibly the main character in the English ballroom dancing tradition.
(Oops!) Here is my elaboration of HIS advice, which he certainly did not
invent himself. (And it is NOT my advice.)
Men have the privilege of asking for a dance, and the invited woman ought to
accept; but, of course, she has the right to refuse, regardless of reason,
and the right not to give a reason, or to give a false one. If she MUST
refuse, then she should do so tactfully (and some fairly obvious advice is
given to that effect). On the other hand, a dance involving genteel people
ought to be a genteel occasion, so frivolous rejections are not a good thing.
They should be avoided. (Just because one is entitled by right not to answer
someone else's greeting, it does not mean that one should do so absent a very
strong reason.)
This approach, which pretty much has accompanied social couples dancing
everywhere since time immemorial, places all the burden of rejection on the
man, and places the dancing destiny of every woman entirely in the hands of
the menfolk. Most people, men certainly not excluded, are shaken by an
incident where they take the risk of making an invitation, only to be
summarily told to get lost. Without entering into details, which is the more
elegant option here, the position of the woman in this system is equally
un-enviable.
Personally, I feel that the highly volatile fortunes of social couples
dancing have a lot to do with the inherent problems of this 'dance imitates
an area of life' approach. At this point it suffices to note that the
rejection problem remains regardless of who can or will do the invitation,
while the ... control problem goes away if the traditional men's prerogative
goes away.
The native tango tradition is different in many details, OK, tons of ink are
spent [over]explaining those details over and over, to the point of
exhaustion; but it is in the end just one breed of one same species.
My view of this tradition is that, while it will stay with us in some more
flexible version for years and years, because some things just won't change
easily, it is not acceptable as a commandment in the XXI century. If men have
the privilege of asking and not be thought badly for it, then the woman must
be able to enjoy the same privilege. Whatever turn down privileges the
dancing public grants the woman before it thinks badly of her, it must grant
the man as well, and in the same way. What is good for the goose ...
So we can talk about the invitation etiquette as sex-neutral, and I believe
that that is the best way. Once the goose-gander principle is accepted, the
issues will be the same regardless of who invites. Well, they ought to be the
same.
However, in this case concretely ... we must not confuse nice principles with
realities. The traditional mode is there for a reason, and that reason is not
that the Patriarchal Society must keep men in power and women under control.
As a member of the ruling class, I am in a position to assure you that
dancing mores are not part of our plot, honest ;)
As things stand, the traditional way is there because men are generally more
comfortable taking the initiative of asking, even if they passionately hate
rejection; or are simply not left with the option of waiting for being asked
-- actually primarily the latter; while women are generally more comfortable
with waiting for being asked, much as they may hate the uncertainties of the
method; and have far greater intolerance towards rejection. It is not very
difficult to see why these tendencies are so strongly rooted, provided one's
common sense has survived the times. On the other hand, things ARE changing
... slowly.
So now we could get to the sex-neutral, and surely more useful, part of the
discussion. How should one, man or woman, ask, and how should one, woman or
man, react to an invitation. Maybe some other day. This is getting long, even
for me.
Ciao,
PS - If I ever discuss the gory detail, I hope to do so in such a way that no
one can unravel the deep mystery of whether I am the kind of guy that women
invite for dances, or the kind who has to do his own bidding ;)
