2575  Appreciation from a follower

Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2004 05:46:54 -0400
From: Mary Ellen Tormey <metormey@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Appreciation from a follower

Dear Listmates,

I have been out of touch since my original post that began the thread we are on now and have finally caught up with reading all of the responses =
both front and backchannel. I will add that one of the instructors did call me later to leave a voice mail after the incident when they noticed =
that I bailed precipitously. I don't do "damsel in distress" melodrama but we used it as an opportunity to debrief and found out that the lead =
in question didn't like coming for lessons himself and sort of does whatever he wants to. So caveat emptor!

Thank you for all of the suggestions and incredible caliber of thoughtfully offered advice in response to my original plight of, "What =
is a follower to do when...? I dare say that there has been something for everyone to choose from in the smorgasbord of how to deal with the =
lead who insists on teaching in a way that becomes problematic.

I personally find that if a bona fide teacher who I am asking for instruction gives a "correction" rather than a criticism, it has a =
neutral charge whether in tango or other undertakings. I am aware as a therapist that all learning involves a "narcissistic wounding" of some =
sort and that's part of the process. And as people have recounted, the occasional offering of "suggestions" by a lead could be possibly be done =
in a calm neutral manner as something that transpires between follower and lead perhaps off to the side or in various humane ways that were =
described. Of course that which I experienced, and saw fit to write about, was nothing like this.

I don't see evidence there are any hard and fast rules, but too much ambiguity tends to give some free reign and I can understand why firmer =
rules have been established at certain venues and respect the fact that the organizers have determined over time what works best. Going forward =
I will at least be equipped with a sense of what the normative expectations are and feel free to tailor my response to the situation =
and develop a personal style of handling things. I obviously got taken by surprise by the level of control this lead needed. The shaming, =
impatient quality of his tone, (along with stopping every few steps) was uncalled for and over the top.

To give you a little summary without getting into specifics, I have had numerous delightful backchannels: some from both sides counseling me to =
not be so thin-skinned, some implied that my attitude elicited the response I got from the lead. Others from followers who have empathized =
and commiserated, leads who have related their own tales of woe and leads who have owned their "stuff" and were happy to have been privy to =
this thread that might help them be more attuned to the needs of the follower, and everything in between.

I would like to offer two personal views of my own that have to do with psychosocial dynamics related to this issue. This is not ex cathedra, =
nor does it involve mind reading and it can be taken or left by readers. A bit of dialogue was generated when a writer commented that if it =
"felt bad to (me) as a follower then it felt bad to the lead too". IMO the quality of that which "feels bad" to each person is quite different. =
If the lead is "suffering" they are largely a victim of circumstances outside of their control--eg. the skill level of the beginner which was =
an unknown, the poor fit, etc. This could make it far easier to bounce off and find other "circumstances" that feel better. On the other hand, =
the follower is often experiencing a host of their own insecurities and lack of knowledge, now being compounded by whatever is being inflicted =
at the hands of another person which makes it *interpersonal* and more fraught. Harder to shake off when as a follower you now have to rely on =
the next person (lead) which requires a leap of faith at times!

The second opinion relates to the philosophy of "s/he who hesitates is lost" or "fake it (confidence) till ya make it", or any of those ideas =
which imply that if you *act* a certain way your feet are sure to follow. That is a wonderful fantasy which borders on mythology or =
folklore. It does not apply to actually dancing the Argentine Tango when you are an absolute novice. Pretending to have the right attitude =
or confidence may be the thing that helps keep you coming back--but you are coming back to learn, practice, drill and to develop the body memory =
needed for tango. Some of us, myself included, are even trying to divest ourselves of old ways learned for other types of dancing that are =
the antithesis to the frame of tango. For instance, 15 years of ballet training including solo and partnered work did not prepare me for =
crossing my legs with my feet turned in and entwined around each other! You can have a heart for tango, and feet of clay (not to mention those =
bunions!) Sometimes the way (goal sought) is clear but the path is not. It takes time to learn what is required and all having the right =
attitude can do is clear the path.

Lots of ambivalence was conveyed backchannel at times around this wonderful dance that harkens back to traditional roles for men and women =
and how awkward that can feel on both sides. When I think about that it's not a whole lot different than what goes on when women and men are =
negotiating the world outside of the dance venue in work, love and play!

I have since had the privilege of one experience of the flow or trance state of tango described earlier by one astute author and listmember. =
What I will say will not come as surprise to some of the men who wrote so eloquently on the philosophy of good leading. When I reflected on =
that one dance and why it was so different (getting off of "cloud nine", as opposed to climbing up from Dante's Seventh Circle ;-) I realized it =
had nothing to do with my personal level of confidence (or that which I pretended to) and *everything* to do with trust and safety evoked by my =
lead who had nothing to "prove."

Something to "live" for, no? ;-)

Warm regards,

Maire

Mary Ellen Tormey
Pittsburgh, PA